The Voices I Heard

I heard them, for years.

All the time. They didn't stop. When I slept I dreamed of war. The voices were inside me, inside my head, a piece of me, perhaps never to be gone. I was scared because I didn't know what to do. I heard these voices telling me not to eat, so strong and convincing. I considered the possibilities that it was all lies, but they hoped I'd believe and follow their pathway promising a skinny body and therefore happiness. And I heard this other voice. Was it me?

They continued to fight in my head. I couldn't remember a time they weren't there. I was so used to it; the battle in my brain. Sometimes I thought I was crazy. If people only knew how my mind was continuously busy, thinking, rationalizing my thinking and behavior, wondering, doubting, believing, I believed they would question my sanity.

There was no choice for me. If I wanted the voices to quiet down, even for a moment, then I knew what I must do, where I must go. I couldn't eat. Maybe some people didn't need food. Maybe I was one of them. I was special that I could go for long periods of time without taking a bite, a morsel of anything. Sometimes I denied myself water too. It was like a gift that I could do without. I was strong. I had something other people didn't. I thought it was good because otherwise I'd be nothing. I liked feeling the pains of hunger and finally lack of hunger, a dry mouth from lack of water. I took control of my body and the very necessities it took to survive. 

They continued talking.

And I was sorry. 

Restricting was like a high. I liked being high.

Way up in the sky, high as a kite or a bird....But I fell, fell from a place I was unsure of. I had no parachute, nothing below to cushion my fall. I was in the air-up in the sky; A high like no other. I somersaulted. I dived. I listened to the voices calling me. Those cunning little voices. They no longer screamed. They needed only to whisper for me to hear, to listen, and to follow. 

Perhaps hurting myself was a sin, but it felt so good. I liked doing my body checks-feeling for certain bones, measuring my arms and legs. I was comforted that another day had gone by and I was not fatter. I definitely had fat areas that needed to be worked on, but for the moment, I was okay. I was safe-until I was supposed to eat again.

"Do what you have to do and that's it," this eating disorder reminded me. So I did. But tomorrow was another day. The pressure was on. How could I listen to it and get away with it? That sneaky voice I heard. And the voice I heard the most clearly, the safest voice, the voice I listened to and followed was anorexia.

I knew what a normal, healthy person should eat, better than most people. I knew what the charts said. I knew these things. But I also knew every food item in our house, the serving size, fat grams, and calories. The numbers were so important. I wrote them down, kept count. The amount of space food used was utterly crucial.

The voices continued. I couldn't make them stop. I tried. I prayed for them to just go away. But God didn't listen to my pleas for mercy. I continued restricting because I had to. There was no other safe way to live. I knew this worked. And I knew what I had to do. I was out of control. Anorexia was strong, and it beat me down to the ground so all I heard was the whisper of the trees, leaves blowing across the yard, and the voice of reason becoming softer, quieter.

Anorexia simplified my world and made me feel safe. And so its arms wrapped around me as it took me away into a place where only being thin mattered. I lost my sense of self and hated whatever was left of the old me. 

I was dying, not only physically but on the inside that no one could see.

Much has happened since the day I wrote this. It is now 2015, and the only voice I hear in my own. The other voice was me all along, the me that wanted life. I laugh, dance, and speak the truth. Sometimes I still cry, not for the lost me, but for the me that I always knew must exist and now does. 

Recovery hasn't been easy. The road unknown is filled with fear, uncertainty, and ambiguity. But it's possible. It's real. It's amazing. And I love the person I am and continue to become. 

Many people would read this last statement and think of it as self centered or strange at the very least. But it is a statement that has taken me years to be able to write.

And it was one step at a time that has led me to the peace I now feel. I feel comfortable being inside my body now, the body I am meant to have. And I find joy in even the "simple" things. I dance around my room to rap music because I feel like it. I smile and laugh a lot because life feels so incredible. I am now recovered but always growing, changing, and learning. The voices of anorexia are no longer a part of me, occasionally a comment in the distance.

But I no longer let it permeate my being. I shrug my shoulders, smile, and walk on.

Tonight I sit here and relish in the moment. My mind is quiet. And I am FREE.




Shout out to Melissa Brown for her deep and inspiring words! 

Her words resemble me when I was going through my toughest times.
She is inspiring to me and I look up to her and her recovery.

A pic from when my mind was overtaken.

FREEDOM.

Gratefulness. Praise. Thankfulness. Recognition.

It is not happy people who are thankful. 
It is thankful people who are happy.

Yep, you probably guessed what this blog is about. I really just wanted to write down a few of the that things I am grateful for in my life. Here it goes:

* For family, whether "by blood" or the people you've met in your life, that always make you feel at home.


* For my mom, who was the first one who nurtured me and has taught me so much.

* For my dad, for always supporting me and never losing hope on me.

* For my sisters, who were some of my first friends and continue to be my best friends.

* For my brother, who can always make me laugh and is someone who I look up to.

* For my brother and sister in-law, and the cutest nephews.
* For my step parents, who are really like real parents to me.

* For my close friends, who make life a lot easier to go through, and who love me more than I deserve.

* For teachers, who helped me to grow and learn, who saw things in me I didn't, and who challenged me to do my best.

* For pets and all animals I encounter who give me free and unconditional love. (Especially my current dog, D.J.)

* For good health, one of life's greatest pleasures. 

* For eyes that see the beauty all around me.

* For a working nose, so I can smell the flowers.

* For a body that allows me to function in any way.

* For the ability to dance.

*For humor and laughter.

* For a brain that allows me to think about the world and its people in all the ways that I can.

*For all the colors of the world that make life so much brighter than it would be otherwise.

* For seasons, no matter how many I experience and don't experience, their mere existence is proof that things are meant to change. 

*For the ability to travel and meet new people.

*For the numerous cultures that I can learn about and even have the opportunity to visit all around the world someday.

* For history, that I can learn about it in different ways and use that knowledge to make our present and future better.

* For cashiers and baggers in grocery stores who stand on their feet for long hours, making live easier. 

* For waiters and waitresses who put up with us at our worst-when we're hungry. 

* For a warm bed at night.

* For a phone that allows me to communicate with people instantaneously even when I am far away from them.

* For a computer, and for the fact they exist, and that I can have access to it-to do my work, to gain information, and to learn.

* For people who don't like me because they remind me that I have values and opinions so strong that I'm willing to sacrifice my likability at the expense of standing by them.

* For the people who can disagree with values and opinions and still be friends anyway. 

* For kind strangers who at a personal cost to them, helped me in some shape or form.

*For the time that I left something of value in a place, and someone turned it in to me.

* For the clothes on my back and in my closet.

* For good food, whether I'm making it or eating it.

* For knowing that I know where my next meal is coming from.

* For access to water, one of life's most important necessities. 

* For music, which fills the soul in all the ways that it does. 

* For art, which makes life beautiful in and of itself.

* For words, whether written or spoken, that give life meaning and give meaning to my life.

* For science, for giving us many creations that have simplified life, and the knowledge to keep seeking better ways to live. 

* For trees that give our environments life. 

* For the roads and sidewalks, and those who take care of them.

* For little pleasures like crushes that remind me that humans are always seeking to love and be loved.

* For acts of affection like hugs and hand-holding and kisses, because they remind me of the importance of touch.

* For heartbreak because it reminds me that my heart is strong enough to face the worse and keep still beating.

* For suffering and pain and failure because it teaches me to be grateful and aware that I only have so much control.

* For the ability to help others in need who remind me that that we are all in need, in one way or another.

* For good times and bad times - that we celebrate them or made it through them.

*For a higher power.

* For faith, hope, and love. Because those things are free, irreplaceable, and the only things that last a lifetime.

* For LIFE, because without it none of the above is possible.

Gaining My Life Back

This is part of my story and the thoughts I have had over the past ten years that I had suffered from an eating disorder and self-harm. I figured I might as well publish more about it, since I seem to often post snip its of it on Facebook. I want to continue to raise awareness about the severity of these illnesses. I do not claim to be 100% recovered, but I do consider myself to be in recovery. It's sometimes hard to share such personal thoughts and feeling, but I feel like I am ready for it. Let's do this...




With multiple hard things going on in my young life (I was 12 when my depression and eating disorder started) moving to a new state, trying to make new friends, parents previous divorce and dads new marriage, etc, I was feeling really down. I remember feeling so depressed, I would come home from school and hide in my closet. This was not like me. I used to be such a happy and friendly girl. I remember not feeling good enough for anything or anyone and I really just wanted to disappear. I tried drowning myself in the bath tub, but couldn't remain under the water long enough to carry it out. Starving myself was a slow suicide.




I became very unhappy, angry, lost all motivation and sense of purpose in life. I was distant to reality, and lived in a different world. I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone and they couldn't relate to me. I was an alien stuck on the wrong planet. My parents made me start therapy. When I first started therapy I couldn't even imagine any other life than the unhappy, self-hating one I was living.


It was difficult for me to concentrate on much of anything. My mind wandered in classes and it took me about three times longer than it should have to turn out any kind of quality work. I look back on the energy that went into counting calories and thinking about food, and I feel sad. It was such a shallow and lonely existence.




People used to really hand it to me for being so disciplined. I would always say no to dessert. I would workout whether rain, hail, or shine. I used to get compliments on my "toned" body. What those people didn't know was how weak and tired I was all of the time. I really wanted to just curl up and take a nap, but I was too driven to work off what little food I had eaten that day to let myself rest. I feared that if I didn't work out no matter how weak, sick, or tired I felt I would immediately get fat.
I would hardly sleep at night. As soon as my siblings and mom had gone to sleep, I would walk up and down the stairs all night and do jumping jacks in my room as quietly as I could. I finally had to tell my parents about how torn up my feet were, and I blamed the unsanitary locker rooms at school for giving me athletes foot, when in reality, it was really me tearing my own feet up. I would also lie about taking the bus home from school, when in reality I would run home. If you're reading this mom-sorry for all of the lies!




I planned my day around exercise. How much I could eat depended on how long and how many times a day I worked out. I fit in my friends and family around my exercise schedule. I was too busy burning calories to have any relationships in my life. The very nature of an eating disorder prevents the development of relationships. How could I have a relationship with someone based on honesty and truth if I was constantly lying about how much I ate, didn't eat, exercised, purged, etc.
Anorexia and the problems associated with it caused me to withdraw from most people. I didn't date, had few friends, and thought my family didn't care (which was the TOTAL opposite). I was afraid to go out of the house and face the world.


The sad thing is, I didn't even realize I was pushing people away. My disease blinded me. Especially when my loved ones told me I had a problem, I blocked them out even more, because hearing them drove me crazy. They hated to see me slowly killing myself.   I used to make a schedule each day with every minute of the day accounted for. Exercise was sprinkled throughout my schedule. You know, 8:00-10:30 I had class, from 10:30-noon I ran laps in the gym, and was back in class until 3:00. I would run home to study standing up, and filled my study "breaks" with sit-ups, push-ups, and running in place-but softly, so my parent's couldn't hear.


Celebrations felt anything but celebratory when I was in the depths of my eating disorder. I remember begging my parents not to get me a cake, and my caring dad instead went and cut up a cantaloupe and stuck some candles in it. Those birthdays still make me cry.




Eventually I got to the point where my weight was too low, and the state got involved and I was forced to go to treatment. That first treatment is a story in and of its own. I was having heart problems, and had to be fed through a tube. I never thought it would get to that point, but it did. Maybe I'll cover that in another blog. But basically, I have been in inpatient treatment over 5 times, and each time saved my life again and I have met the greatest friends from each place. Going inpatient was one of the most important steps in my recovery. I kept reminding myself that I was there to begin to heal. I really was so miserable thinking about food all the time, constantly weighing myself, etc. The coping skills I learned at each rehab are skills now that I use every day.




Anorexia masked my feelings so well that I didn't always recognize them. In the process of recovery, I feel reconnected to my true emotions. My emotions feel much more intense, and somehow more real. I feel more real. I have so much hope and a zest for life that I never thought I could have!


I have come to learn that in wounds, there lies wisdom, and in healing is strength. The first step in recovering from the eating disorder for me was CHOOSING LIFE. Staying focused in recovery can be hard. The eating disorder was my life, it was me. As I began to get better, I started feeling hard emotions that I didn't know how to deal with. Overwhelming feelings DO in fact pass. Recovery is HARD and SCARY. Every now and then, I had to make myself do things that I didn't really want to do, but in the end, it all paid off.




I think each person's recovery is unique and that everyone's definition of recovery is different. Personally, I will probably always be somewhat aware of my eating and weight; but, each year, the obsession lessens. I do believe to a certain degree that recovery is possible. It is a day-to-day process and sometimes even minute-to-minute. It is hard work, but SO worth it! My life has gotten so much better. I am so grateful.




My relationships have improved dramatically in recovery. I am more open and honest, able to express my thoughts and feelings. My relationships are now based on people liking me for who I am, not on what I do or how thin I can be. I've finally learned to create and sustain both intimate and casual friendships, something I thought impossible when I was sick and died a thousand deaths every day from shyness. I've learned how to take the imitative, to reach out to people instead of waiting for them to notice me and take the first step. I used to say that I'd rather be lonely than ask for quality time or a hug from someone. I felt terribly vulnerable admitting that I was not totally self-sufficient. The time came, though, when I realized that if I waited for other people to notice I needed something, I would wait a long-and awfully lonely-time.


Watching my body change filled me with panic. I kept thinking my thighs and legs were huge, and I would freak out. It took a long time for me to get used to my maintenance weight. I was depressed until I realized that being thin hadn't changed my life at all. Matter of fact, my life was a LOT better at a healthier weight. I forced myself to take risks. It was always important to me to be able to someday eat like a normal person who doesn't have an eating disorder. I wanted to be able to eat whatever I wanted, wherever I wanted, without driving myself or the people I was with crazy. Seeing that I could eat something I was afraid of and not get fat overnight or die from it helped me tremendously. Everyone always says it's not about the food, but you know what? Some of it is! It may not be the root, but it is definitely a branch that you have to recognize and address if you want to truly get better.





Loving myself was also another piece to my recovery puzzle. I used to not allow myself to put on any chap stick when my lips were bleeding or put lotion on my peeling skin because of two reasons: #1. I was afraid that somehow there was calories in the chap stick and the lotion and it would sink into my skin and make me fat (ridiculous, I know) and #2 I felt like I deserved punishment and didn't deserve to feel well. When I first started to really experience love for myself, I found it to be bittersweet. There was joy as I began to appreciate myself as a valuable, lovable being. But there was also grief. It's amazing how much old injustices and injuries hurt when you finally love yourself. My compassion for myself is what assures me that I will get through it. Loving myself was definitely the key to my recovery.
So much LOVE to everyone!!!!!! Thanks for all of your love and support!

Mirror on the Wall....Action step #2!

Action Step #2................FLIP IT!!!
Flip it: these two words can become your favorite new mantra.
Whenever I catch myself having one of those mean thoughts that I believe is really true, I remind myself that I can "flip it," meaning I can choose to change how I'm feeling about myself in that moment. No joke, it's within your power to turn this around. You can re-program your mind, just like you started to do in action step #1, so that when you look in the mirror, you actually start to love what you see instead of automatically tearing yourself down. You're probably wondering how to do this, right? Hang in there with me, I'll explain.



Negative thoughts have a lot of power. Think back to a recent bad day you had. How many times that day would you say you told yourself something mean? I'm guessing a lot. If you keep telling yourself you look like crap, then that becomes your belief, and whether you realize it or not, your brain is then programmed to seek out other "flaws." It becomes a habit.

The way you break this habit is by creating a command that will stop the flow of those negative thoughts. It can be anything like, "Stop it" or "Knock it off" or "No way-this is not happening anymore!" Or whatever creation of words works for you. If you had an awful houseguest, would you allow them to keep yelling nasty comments at you? I don't think so! Just like you would need to take care of yourself by showing them the front door, you need to do the same within yourself. So when a mean thought comes up, you can "flip it" by commanding it to stop in its tracks. Behaviorists say that if you want to break a habit, it takes 28 days......so let's consider today day one of your new programming. 27 more to go! -ha!


Telling the negative thoughts to go away isn't enough, though; you also need to replace them with some positive ones. Just like the negative thoughts are contagious, the good news is so are the positive ones. So I want you to try something, okay? The next time you stand in front of a mirror, instead of automatically zeroing in on what you hate, ask yourself, What do I like about what I see? C'mon, don't tell me you can't find one thing you like. Appreciating even one feature can start your mental list of positive thoughts flowing., which you can then use to replace the negative ones. By reprogramming yourself to seek out the positive, you create a much better habit.



This might feel a little weird at first, but I swear it works. This is the secret to rewiring your inner beliefs and building confidence. Don't worry if some days you fall back into your old patterns. You can start fresh any day, any time-it's an ongoing practice.
See why flip it can become your favorite new mantra?  :)

"Mirror, mirror on the wall..."

Remember that line from Snow White? Wouldn't it be nice if our mirror responded to our reflection with wonderful, kind, loving words of encouragement? "You look so beautiful today...Wow, you're makeup looks great...Love you're hair!" I admit it would be a little creepy at first, but we'd all have the BEST self-esteem on the planet!

Okay, but here we are back in the world of reality, where we've admitted that we don't have that feeling of love when you see our reflection in the mirror. What do you say to yourself when you look in the mirror? If you're one of the rare few who automatically respond with only positive thoughts, wow-that's inspiring. Can I please trade brains with you?! Because most of us immediately zero in on whatever bugs us the most and nail ourselves. WE ARE TOO TOUGH ON OURSELVES! I am talking about both male and female here just to clarify.

Those nasty voices in our heads aren't just our own creation, though; we've got plenty of pressures coming at us to stir them up. We're so used to seeing all these digitally perfected images staring back at us from magazines and billboards that we start to think that's what's "normal." I'm sorry, but how can we not feel insecure next to that? And don't think that every commercial or ad you see isn't somehow creeping into your beliefs and making you feel like you're not enough without their product.



Some of us have been teased or rejected for being too tall, too fat, too thin, too anything....It's crazy how even one mean comment from someone can stick with us and become what we believe about ourselves. Those voices in our heads saying we're "not enough" don't fade easily, do they?

So how did I start to quiet the nasty voices in my head? How do we fight back against these hurtful judgments, whether from someone else or from our own imaginations? I'm here to tell you there is a way.

Action Steps:

Ditch the Mirror Drama

"Mirror Drama" isn't just about how we feel when we look in the mirror....it's how we feel in our skin every minute of every day. We might not be able to silence those nasty inner voices permanently, but the action steps here will definitely help you turn down their volume each time they threaten to ruin your day....your week....your life....

Action Step #1

Catch Yourself

It's time to stop letting the nasty sources of negative messages have power over us, once and for all! There's a way to actually stop these voices in their tracks as soon as they start messing with you, and it's easier than you might think. It's called awareness.

Here's how it works: let's say that same old voice kicks in-the one that screams "I'm ugly", "I'm fat" or "I'm not good enough" or whatever your inner critic loves to say to shred your self-esteem. When that happens, most of us immediately buy into what it's saying and without even realizing it, let that negativity take us down. But right there, in that moment, we have a choice. We can pause, look within, and ask ourselves: Whose voice is this? Is it mine? Do I really believe this? To become aware of the voice rather than just letting it immediately become what you believe about yourself is so empowering, because it puts the control back into your hands.

Even though this might sound extreme, letting other people's critical voices take over is like brainwashing, and we need to rewire how we think. This step of catching the inner critic is about separating yourself from other people's negativity and getting back to what you think.

Ditching the mirror drama isn't about waiting for someone or something else to make you feel better about yourself; YOU are the only one who has the power to stop it. There is no beauty or satisfaction in looking for your self-worth  in everyone else's opinions. The real beauty comes from looking at yourself through your own eyes. Then, from deep within your soul, you will start to see the true beauty in the mirror.

I know that some of you might be saying, "Yeah, okay-but it's actually me who thinks I'm too fat, or too short, or whatever." Don't worry, I have ways to deal with that voice, too. Read on....I will be posting the next 4 steps in future blog posts....for now, you can work on Step #1 :)